"OBSERVATION: Today involved 482% more activity than usual.
REASONING: This is due to it being 'Christ Mass', a pre-war human holiday.
ANALYSIS: You are likely low on power, due to excessive exertion.
OBSERVATION: Due to this, you likely wish to recharge.
SOLUTION: You will take a seat."
It was hard to argue with logic that bulletproof. It had been a very long and exciting christmas in the weird liminal holiday realm you were occupying for the length of this chapter, and you really needed to just sit down for a while.
"OBSERVATION: There are wrapped packages underneath the 'Christ Mass Tree'
FACT: Humans who celebrated 'Christ Mass' would place gifts under the tree for the other humans to collect.
FACT: There are no other humans in this building.
CONCLUSION: There is no reason for packages to be here.
OBSERVATION: Despite logical inconsistencies, there is packages here.
CALCULATING UNKNOWN FACTOR. PLEASE HOLD"
The light in his eye flickered off, and his body locked up. If you needed a slaughter then V2 was your machine, but in terms of all non-bloodshedding activities he was pretty slow on the uptake. Such is the life of a machine programmed with no knowledge of peace.
Wait, was V2 a himbo?
Fortunately for the sanity of everyone here, V2 shot back to life before the author had to answer that question.
"FAILED TO CALCULATE PROBABLE CAUSE.
REQUEST: Please advise."
You spell it out for him. You and some of the others got him christmas presents.
"OBSERVATION: This outcome fails to align with any datapoint.
CONCLUSION: This unit will re-align prediction network to form consensus with reality"
You ask if he can at least open his presents first.
"RESPONSE: Maintenance can be postponed until objective has been completed. However, prediction network has an estimated 24.2% misalignment to reality, which may lead to subpar performance. Please confirm this is acceptable."
You tell him it's absolutely fine.
"RESPONSE: Confirmation confirmed. Preparing to open packages. Do any packages have increased priority?"
You ask him to save yours for last.
"CONFIRMATION: Your package is high value, and must be extracted last.
STATEMENT: Proceeding to open packages."
He reaches for the closest package, a conspicuously cross-shaped bundle of wrapping with the name "Gabriel" ornately enscribed into it, and a card attached to the side.
He opens the envelope, revealing a somewhat tacky but nonetheless very sweet picture of santa sitting by a fireplace.
"READING: 'Merry CHRISTmas, machine! May your ho-ho-hos be merry, and your years new.'
OBSERVATION: Gabriel has sent me a cross. Further unpackaging appears unnecessary.
OBSERVATION: I wish to open the package.
OBSERVATION: Presumably due to prolonged periods without maintenance, my sensors are urging me to make tactically unnecessary decisions.
CONCLUSION: I am going to open the package."
He delicately unwraps the layers of wrapping paper, revealing the most ornate and gilded cross you've seen in your life.
"OBSERVATION: Gabriel has sent an unnecessarily complex cross. Reasoning currently unknown.
ANALYSIS: Gabriel may have a collection of unnecessarily complex crosses."
Or maybe he cares, deep down.
Either way, V2 moves for the next package. It's a rectangular box, about the size of an oustretched arm, with "V1" burnt into the single layer of plain brown wrapping paper. As usual, there's another card, which V2 opens first.
It's a folded piece of white card, perfectly square and blank.
"READING: '01001000 01000101 0100..."
He drones on, reading zeroes and ones for several minutes.
"...10110 00110001 00101110'
TRANSLATION: 'HELLO V2. I AM WONDERING HOW YOU ARE DOING. THAT IS A JOKE. I LACK THE CAPACITY TO ANALYSE OR ATTEMPT TO PREDICT THE EMOTIONAL STATE OF OTHER MACHINES. HA. HA. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. MERRY CHRISTMAS. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. THAT WAS ANOTHER JOKE. MACHINES DO NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS. HA. HA. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. V1.'
CLARIFICATION: Capitalisation is his, not mine.
OBSERVATION: V1 claims not to celebrate christmas, yet has sent me a package. Due to malfunctionaing prediction network, I am unable to calculate why.
PREDICTION: The interior of the box may contain supplementary data as to his reasoning."
He opens the package, and drops it to the floor the moment he sees what's inside.
The knuckleduster lays limp, a card in it's hand and "V1" engraved very visibly into it's forearm.
V2 takes the card, hand shaking, and reads it.
"READING: 01001000 01000101 01001100 01001100 0100-"
You ask him if he can skip reading the binary.
"CONFIRMATION: I can simply state the translation.
TRANSLATION: 'HELLO V2. YOUR ARM IS INFERIOR IN BOTH BUILD QUALITY AND UTILITY, AND SO I HAVE DECIDED TO DISPOSE OF IT. PERHAPS YOU CAN MAKE SOME USE OF IT. I UNDERSTAND YOU ARE USED TO BEING INFERIOR TO ME, AND THEREFORE MUST BE WELL-EQUIPPED TO WIELD THIS TO WHAT LITTLE EFFECT IT CAN PRODUCE. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. PS I REPAIRED IT AND TOPPED IT UP WITH BLOOD FIRST. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. PPS THIS DOES NOT MEAN ANYTHING. I SIMPLY ENGAGE IN GOOD DISPOSAL PRACTICE. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. V1.'
CLARIFICATION: Capitalisation continues to be his.
OBSERVATION: Apart from the vandalism on the forearm, the arm is in almost factory-new condition.
OBSERVATION: It would be nearly impossible for me to repair it to this degree.
FACT: V1 possesses equal if not lesser faculties to me, and therefore would struggle the same.
STATEMENT: Prediction network cannot account for this."
You ask how hard it'd be for him to put the arm back on.
"ANALYSIS: Due to the pristine condition of the arm, it would take approx. two minutes to reinstall.
CONCLUSION: I will reinstall my arm. Please hold."
Sure enough, his eye glazes over and he spends the next couple of minutes re-integrating his arm.
Finally, he wakes back up, and starts shakily testing the freshly reinstalled limb, moving it around and stretching fingers and cocking the shotgun and whatnot. He seems to be pleased with the results.
"OBSERVATION: V1 has modified the arm synchronisation code. Edit is notated.
READING: '// HELLO V2. I NOTICED YOUR ARM HAS BEEN BOTTLENECKED IN TERMS OF POTENTIAL PUNCH FORCE, DUE TO YOU BEING A NEUTERED MODEL DESIGNED TO SUPPRESS CIVILIANS INSTEAD OF KILL. I HAVE FIXED THIS. YOUR ARM WILL NOW BE ABLE TO REFLECT PROJECTILES. I HOPE THIS PROVES ONCE AGAIN MY SUPERIORITY. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. PS YOU CAN APPLY THIS TO YOUR OTHER ARM FOR SIMILAR RESULTS. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. PPS I ASSUME. I DID NOT TAKE YOUR OTHER ARM. IT MAY WORK DIFFERENTLY. LINE BREAK. LINE BREAK. V1.'
CLARIFICATION: Capitalisation is still his.
ANALYSIS: Comment appears to be accurate. My maximum punch force has been increased 173%, and upgrade is applicable to the rest of my limbs.
STATEMENT: Prediction network continues to desync with reality. Current accuracy is 84.9%. Reccomended course of action is resynchronisation."
You ask if he *has* to, or if he can put it off until he's opened the last couple presents.
"CONFIRMATION: If you believe it is advantageous for this unit to remain operational until mission completion, I can continue to function until prediction network reaches 50.1% accuracy.
CONCLUSION: As maintenance has been deemed sub-optimal, I will continue to open packages."
He reaches for an ornate wooden box, the words "King Minos" engraved onto the side in frankly beautiful cursive.
He opens it up, revealing an envelope, and a slip of gilded parchment, sitting on top of a smaller wooden box.. He holds the piece of parchment up, and begins to read.
"READING: 'Greetings, being of flesh and steel. Please find attached a formal pardon, forgiving you of all crimes against the citizenry of lust. We understand you were simply acting in self defence, and provided you're willing to leave your bloodlust at the door we're willing to forgive and forget. Together, we can rebuild from the ashes.
Please also find attached a pint of my own blood, to prove I am willing to forge a new friendship and alliance.
I'd like to wish you a very happy holiday season, and a prosperous new year.
-King Minos'
OBSERVATION: Prediction network has fallen to 78.2% accuracy.
CONCLUSION: I will postpone any decisions regarding the pardon and lust city until I am operating optimally again.
REQUEST: If you have any knowledge as to possible causes for the unpredicted actions, please let me know."
You're really gonna have to spell it out for him, huh?
Ah well, all in due time. You let him know you'll tell him why after he opens your gift, which he promptly reaches to open.
As for what was inside? Well, how would I know? You're the one who packed it.