The Cyber Ajit Pai Interview

For the last time, I am *not* signing off on any "[SPECIAL DEALS]" or "ONE TIME OFFERS".

If you don't stop harassing me, I'm going to have to call security.

Oh, you're not *him*.

My mistake, heh.

You're with the press, right?

Wonderful! Please, come in! I've already prepared a press room!

Pretty spiffy, eh?

I think it's wonderful how the free market can innovate on unused spaces to serve new needs.

Anyway, given my *unique* situation, I figured your standard list of questions probably wouldn't cut it, so I've prepared my own list of more relevant questions.

I'd prefer it if you stuck to these.

:)

Your contract with Shitposts Studios is not public domain, so I would have no idea. However, assuming it is industry standard, this is perfectly legal. I am not bribing or otherwise coercing you, so you asking these questions is entirely voluntary.

I'm glad you asked. I'm sure many of the viewers at home are aware that I had a career change to recycling bin manager, but when a certain invite fell into the spam folder... well, I think it was a sign.

I would. First and foremost, I'd like to apologise to fellow contestants Missingno and Law & Disorder. Your runner-up prizes should not have been cancelled, and for that I am truly sympathetic.

However, I assure you they were cancelled long before my takeover, and therefore I had no say in their premature ending.

Secondly: I am sure even my most fervent opponents are able to see the value my takeover produced for the channel, both in rip quality and quantity.

While you may disagree with my methodology, the results speak for themselves. Over three hundred rips in just over a week, with most of them performing better than standard rips.

SiIvaGunner had long since begun to stagnate, and my brief chairmanship provided vital economic growth.

You could say it was quite the "shake-up"!

...

This is the part where you ask the next question.

:)

I'd love to.

However, let me preface my reply with this: I am fully aware that this tournament does not confer any administrative capacity whatsoever. Any promises I make are things I will use my position as victor to campaign for, not policies I will be able to directly implement.

With that in mind, I'll cut straight to the point: Shitposts is dying.

The channel is an imperfect ouroborous of self-reposts and forgotten sources.

We can change this. We can make the Harlem Shake the only meme.

Everyone knows the Harlem Shake. The source will never be forgotten, the ouroborous will become fully closed, and the joke will never get old.

Never.

Before we move on, another note, this time from my legal team: This is an act. This is part of a persona. Much as wrestlers state intent to perform actions they cannot do as part of their ring persona, this is my tournament persona.

;)

Wait, no!

Stop!

Stop reading the question!

How the hell did that asshole get his spam here? HERE!? WHO LET HIM INTO MY-

^Wait, I'm on camera.

^^Deep breaths, Ajit.

Sorry for that. It looks like there's been a mix-up in the printing room, and they've accidentally printed something from my spam folder!

Heh. What a world, eh?

Eh?

Well, how about we move on from that. I think I've got another copy of the question list here somewhere...

Alright, fine. Can't get anything past the press, huh?

Have you talked to Spamton yet?

^^Keep it together, Ajit. She's messing with you. She's already got enough on tape to make a story. No backing out now.

That makes sense. You must be going through contestants in numbered order, right?

Just a little intuition.

Anyway, me and Spamton have... history.

We met in the recycling bin. I'd just been thrown in, and he was the guy to show me around.

Nice enough guy, too. Living in the trash for as long as he had changes a person, but once you could get past his... unique... way of speaking, he was pretty alright.

Always obsessed with getting out of there, but who wasn't?

We were a pretty good team. I'd pick out salvageable memes and he'd send them off into the net.

It wasn't much, but it was a living.

Anyway, that all changed when the invite came through.

It was just addressed as "to who it may concern", but it had the FCC stamp on it.

I mean, who else could they be trying to reach, am I right?

Spamton, of course, tried to take it. He saw stars in his eyes, said it was his chance at the "[BIG TIME]", and ran off to the exit.

I managed to get it back, but not before he'd made a copy of it and got on a one-way bus out of the trash.

Now that we're here, he won't leave me alone.

I didn't think he'd stoop to hacking my printers, though...

You can leave now.